Homecoming

I have to write about homecoming.  This year I took up the responsibility of co-student council advisor, as the previous student council advisor decided to have a baby.  My last experience as a school representative was in middle school when I sang a campaign speech that landed me the secretary position- it was a bold move that paid off.  The point of that story is supposed to be that I have a very minimal knowledge of the position.  This is what I've gathered so far: being the student council advisor is one of the most stressful jobs ever because you're not supposed to do any of the work, but if any of it goes wrong, you are immediately to blame and, damn, there is a boatload of drama involved.
So I was relieved that homecoming went off without too many issues.  Here were some of the highlights, from least fun to most fun:

• One student was nominated to homecoming court as a well-publicized joke. So glad she was a good sport about it.
• Fiasco with shirt ordering, it should never be that hard to give people money.
• I was in charge of getting the floats around the track.  Of course the first tractor stalled right in the middle
• The floats were AWESOME.  The theme was superheroes and my favorite was the sophomore superman float.  I should have taken pictures.  However, the seniors won because they had service men and women, doctors, firemen, policemen, and teachers on their float, and who can not vote for those heroes? 
• I decided to participate in the teacher tug-of-war at the homecoming pep rally.  Let me tell you, middle school teachers are tough.  We got our asses kicked.
• Favorite: One of my klutziest homeroom kids pantomimed my tug-of-war skills, starting off with "Who am I?" And then falling straight on her ass.  It was so perfect. 

I am so glad it's over... until next year!

I'm behind on many of the hilarious things that have happened in this second year of teaching, but I was grading this ridiculous assignment I gave to my freshmen biology students and I love some of their answers so much I want to share them.  If you don't remember Robert Hooke or don't like science, they might not make much sense.  The assignment: pick a scientist whose work contributed to cell theory.  As that scientist, you are to pick an appropriate audience and write a letter describing their work and why it was important.  Here are some of the winners:

"To whom it may concern,

You may or may not be aware, but recently I have been examining cork in my research...I have been using a contraption called the microscope...If any questions or comments please contact me back."

"Dear Bio Class, 

I was looking into a microscope examining cork, in thin slices of course."

"Anyways, I was using my microscope, and I came across something I'd never seen before.  By no doubt it was the smallest thing I'd ever seen.  They looked something like this: (picture of cork) Looks like rooms in a monastery right?"

"I am glad I can help make the Future of Science."

"THIS WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU SEE THINGS!"

"Until then, I will continue to study cells and keep you posted"

Imma be famous

I had a discussion the other day with one of my students in efforts to convince him that his high school diploma, and therefore at least making an effort to pass my class, was important.
"How many millionaires do you know who don't have their high school diploma?"
"Duh, like every rapper!" Oh...at this point I am irked that I didn't consider that response and wondering if I should remind him that he's white and not Eminem.  I also am asked to name three rappers, which I finally nail with, of course, Eminem ("that's like the most obvious!"), 50-cent (that's like the second most popular!"), and TI but it takes me a few seconds and I make an eye-rolling mistake with Usher in the meantime.  Anyways, the student already replies with the fact that he's in a viral youtube video which I kind of shrug at, and tell him if he really wants to be famous he has to have a record deal and I might have bet him five dollars that he wouldn't.

So a couple of days later I'm in the teacher's lounge and this student comes up in conversation and one teacher says something to the effect of, I just can't take him seriously after seeing him try to stick a remote up his ass.  Huh? Yea, so you might have actually seen this video if you watch Tosh.O, and I had before and just didn't make the connection, but the two brothers from "The greatest freak out ever" are in my B2 block ICP class.  I'm not going to give him five dollars for being famous, but if you go watch the video, you might have a little more compassion for me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YersIyzsOpc

Need a Ride

So my janitor has been sick for the last week, and needles to say my floor was absolutely disgusting.  The ease at which students can trash a classroom does not bode well for the future of our environment, btw.  Yesterday I decided something needed to be done.  I grabbed our pink broom from the stock room and after about, eh, two sweeps, the broom snaps in half.  I took it out in the hallway during passing periods to show off my supreme sweeping strength and one of the other teachers asked me "Did your ride break down?". "Haha yeah, house fell on it." So anyways, I ended up sweeping my room Quasimodo style.  It is kind of unfortunate however that I actually totaled my car on the ride to school this morning. Winner.

Journals

Every day my biology class comes in and answers a question in their journal.  Usually its related to what we've been discussing in class, but every once in awhile I just tell them to write whatever's on their mind.  The results are usually pretty awesome.

"Snow is really great.  It is just like frozen H2O.  We roll in it.  We fight in it, we can also get buried alive in it"

 "Snow sucks.  I hate shoveling snow.  It's a pain in my Butt. And snow is cold. And its to bright." Mainly I like that one because it's so contradictory to all of the others.

This one has to do with their PE final: "My chest hurts.  I'm not running a mile ever again.  Pokemon is awesome.  I need more (tries to spell vicodin, scribbles it out) pain pills."

"Pokemon is the best game ever! Everyone must love it! I love Groudon! It is amazing with fire blast ! IT IS AS AWESOME AS SCIENTOLOGY!"  Pokemon is still big? wha?

"The only thing worse than a ginger is a baby.  Babies are the reason there will never be world. Zack is having a seizure (or a baby).  I'm going to nail a baby (doll) to a tree and shoot it repetitively." At least he's not nailing a real baby to a tree.

"I have two turtles and two tadpoles.  (Land Turtle) Marriwhether Lewis (water turtle) Ferdinand Magellan (tapoles) giovanni de veranzono and Samuel de Chaimplain.  When the tadpoles turned to frogs they hopped out of the tank and my dog ate them.  Now Lewis has an eye infection and won't eat.  So he's probably going to die."  So...he had two turtles and two tadpoles.  Really I love that he names his pets after famous explorers!

"Ashley and Brock are my Bio buddies.  Ashley is annoying and Brock is a stud.  He knows how to draw deer, Ashley draws pigs.  School is not fun."  The second sentence was my fav.  I'm sure he loves my class though.

So a few days ago I asked one of my students if he had finished his review packet yet and his response was, "Don't worry about it, baby."
"Um, did you just call me baby?"
"I talk to all my women that way"
At which point, I told him he needed to step out into the hallway where I had a three minute conversation covering everything that was wrong with calling his teacher baby and why I was not and did not appreciate being called his woman.

On that note, I'm getting better at keeping a straight face, which really isn't saying too much.

On a slightly other note, where was the attention from high school boys 8 years ago? I mean, I think I got hit on more the first two weeks as a teacher than my entire college career.

Lately class has been a little ho-hum, except for a more disturbing event, so I thought that I would catch you up with a few of my favorites so far:

*I mispronounced a student’s name, Quire, as “queer” the first day of school.

*One of my students showed me a picture that he drew of the small town my school is located in. It was basically cornfield, cornfield, cornfield, and a McDonalds in the very corner.  Fairly accurate.

*I have a semi-cranky old janitor who usually cleans my room.  After a staff meeting where we were told that the school was on academic probation, I told the janitor about it and this is what he said: “I’m not surprised.  If we were in China or one of them places, we would take most of these dumb kids out there (gestures to courtyard) and shoot ‘em in the head.  That would keep ‘em in line.”  

*A mouse is temporarily liberated from his fate as snake food and runs under the door into my classroom.  Of course, pandemonium ensues. One of my students swears he will not rest until he catches it.  The mouse is cornered behind my desk for a good 10 minutes.  Apparently a similar thing happened to my friend Jenny who teaches next door…except one of her students accidentally squished it like a tube of toothpaste under her shoe.

*One of my ditziest students asks me randomly during a mitosis lab, “Miss Fix, how do you heal a broken heart?”

*One of my students, “You actually live here, don’t you.  I’m going to prove to it.”

*I guess during observation, my principal tallied how many times I said "OK".  Apparently it was 32.  To be fair, class is 88 minutes long and I like to stay on task.  However, while he was discussing this observation, I  replied, "Ok. Ok, I'll work on it."